I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
