If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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