So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
