just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
