What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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