The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
