omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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