Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
