The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
