next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
