Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
