I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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