So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
