it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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