I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
