Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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