Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
