I hate all girls vehemently.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
