and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
