My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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