I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
