She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
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