Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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