I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
