Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
