Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I could make wine with my vomit
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Your topless pictures make me question reality
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
