im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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