you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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