I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I think I just sharted jello shots
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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