Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
