she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
sex in a hospital.. check
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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