those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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