So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
