i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
