my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
