Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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