the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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