It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
