sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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