Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
