I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
