booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
