Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
