I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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