I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
