If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
