would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
