I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
3 2 1 whiskey
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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