so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
