I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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