but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
